I'm not the strongest person out there. I can't lift weights in the gym or move an organ across the church. In fact I get tired just carrying the groceries up the stairs. I won't brag of my strength...
But there is more to strength than just the physical stuff. There is mental strength as well. The strength that carries you through a horrible task. The meaningless ones that seem to carry on forever. The strength that can keep you holding on even when the world is turning dark. But like physical strength, we all get tired. Too tired to carry on, too tired to move forward. it is not just through looking after ourselves that we can get tired. Helping others also makes us tired, although we never think about it at the time. Our focus at that point is helping the other person no matter what the cost. Or that is how I like to see it, (Maybe I am just young and naive)
Physical strength is easy to replenish, you can have a sleep or eat something, even just taking a break helps. But you can't do that easily to regain your mental strength. You can't just stop the world from turning, even for just a minute. The world doesn't work like that. It just keeps on turning and turning. I guess it is up to us to replenish our mental strength. The world isn't the most helpful.
Its hard to be strong for the world. It feels like that the world is keen to throw anything it can at you to bring you down. Cold weather, assignments, lecturers, "friends" who really aren't friends at all. It feels like as fast as you are building up yourself for the next day the world is getting ready to bring you back down. Its a vicious cycle.
If physical strength is something you can see then mental strength that stays hidden away in the dark and dusty corners of people's lives. Its the kind of place where you have some idea of what is in there but you are too scared too take a closer look. Perhaps you don't like the idea of spiders. If you cant see it then chances are you can't see other people's either. You can't see what toll it has on the person who spent all night talking their best friend out of taking their own life. You can't see how weak they feel the next morning. They may look tired from the lack of sleep but inside they are feeling much worse. But the thing is because we can't see it we don't take any notice. How often have we sat in a crowd of people and over looked the person beside us. Chances are we have no idea what is going on in their life. Just like they don't know about what is happening in ours.
Maybe this is why the world feels like it slows down for no one. The world seems like it its a cruel and heartless place because we are cruel and heartless. we don't seem interested in what is happening in other people's lives and refuse to let others in to help. I remember reading "A problem shared is a problem halved" when I was a little kid. I didn't understand it when I was little but I'm starting to realise now that maybe in order for us to survive we need to let other people into our lives. We need to share things. Humans are social creatures. We weren't designed to hide away in our own little technology bubble. We can talk and hold conversations with people.
I know it is easy for me to stand here and preach. In fact in all honesty I probably don't know half the people reading this. I suppose if I change one person for even a day then maybe I've done my good deed for my life. We need to talk to people. Not only about the good, but the bad as well. Not just what didn't go right today, but what is worrying you. what is keeping you awake at night. Sometimes things seem less frightening when they come out in the open. If the sharing becomes two way then things become even. You might even find that you have alot more in common with the person beside you than you thought.
We might not be able to build up our mental strength by going to the gym and drinking protein shakes, but maybe that is not how we are meant to do it in the first place. Perhaps the best way to build up our mental strength is to talk to other.
I might not be the strongest person in the room, but that's no reason for me not to try
<3 S
Friday, April 8, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day Seventeen: New
"It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of young hearts
It's a new day - it's a new plan
I've been waiting for you
Here I am...."
Sometimes we need something new in our lives. A new friend, a new hobby, a new love or even a fresh start. Life can get boring if nothing ever changes. We get stuck in the world that is familiar and never do anything to broaden our minds or our horizons. Sometimes we plan the change other times the change plans us. I think I would be one of the first to say that I don't go out looking for change. New things can be frightening. Especially if they come unexpectedly. I guess you could say I like things to stay the same. Maybe it is because I feel more secure that way. Its like in the morning, your alarm goes off, but you don't want to get out of your nice cosy bed. Its warm and the blankets have nestled around you why would you change anything? Why go into the cold world of the outside when you could just lie here for five more minutes. I guess the obvious answer to that is, if we never got out of bed nothing would ever get done...
"Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be
Here I am - it's just me and you
And tonight we make our dreams come true"
I've lived in the same city all my life, one the same street, in the same house, and in the same bedroom. I haven't experienced any major up rooting in my twenty something years on this earth. In fact some would say that my life has been pretty boring. But that doesn't mean that I haven't had to do new things. Starting university was a big change. But it was a change that I looked forward to. It was a new start. Something I had been looking forward to after 5 years at high school. It was fresh and bright and exciting...
I think it might be time for another new start. As my time as an undergraduate student is coming to an end, I am faced with another new start. What do I do next? Do I stay on and undertake post graduate study? If so do I stay here or do I move to another city and university? Do I go into the workforce? No one ever said decisions like this were easy. Nothing ever jumps straight out at you saying this is the one. Instead they all stand huddled together and through faith, good luck and some tough questions one will work its way forward. The doubt will always remain in the back of my head, have I chosen the right one...?
"Here we are - we've just begun
And after all this time - our time has come
here we are - still goin' strong
Right here in the place where we belong "
It is exciting having something new to plan. The idea grows and develops. It changes and evolves. It is a little frightening to think that at the end of this year my days as a lowly under grad will be over. It will be time for a fresh new start where ever it will be...
It won't be an easy decision I have some amazing friends around me. I'm sorry if it feels like over look you. You're always there, its like you never leave me. My whole world will change, but well maybe it is time to change me perspective
So here I am world....
<3 Squeak
With help from Bryan Adams
It's alive with the beating of young hearts
It's a new day - it's a new plan
I've been waiting for you
Here I am...."
Sometimes we need something new in our lives. A new friend, a new hobby, a new love or even a fresh start. Life can get boring if nothing ever changes. We get stuck in the world that is familiar and never do anything to broaden our minds or our horizons. Sometimes we plan the change other times the change plans us. I think I would be one of the first to say that I don't go out looking for change. New things can be frightening. Especially if they come unexpectedly. I guess you could say I like things to stay the same. Maybe it is because I feel more secure that way. Its like in the morning, your alarm goes off, but you don't want to get out of your nice cosy bed. Its warm and the blankets have nestled around you why would you change anything? Why go into the cold world of the outside when you could just lie here for five more minutes. I guess the obvious answer to that is, if we never got out of bed nothing would ever get done...
"Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be
Here I am - it's just me and you
And tonight we make our dreams come true"
I've lived in the same city all my life, one the same street, in the same house, and in the same bedroom. I haven't experienced any major up rooting in my twenty something years on this earth. In fact some would say that my life has been pretty boring. But that doesn't mean that I haven't had to do new things. Starting university was a big change. But it was a change that I looked forward to. It was a new start. Something I had been looking forward to after 5 years at high school. It was fresh and bright and exciting...
I think it might be time for another new start. As my time as an undergraduate student is coming to an end, I am faced with another new start. What do I do next? Do I stay on and undertake post graduate study? If so do I stay here or do I move to another city and university? Do I go into the workforce? No one ever said decisions like this were easy. Nothing ever jumps straight out at you saying this is the one. Instead they all stand huddled together and through faith, good luck and some tough questions one will work its way forward. The doubt will always remain in the back of my head, have I chosen the right one...?
"Here we are - we've just begun
And after all this time - our time has come
here we are - still goin' strong
Right here in the place where we belong "
It is exciting having something new to plan. The idea grows and develops. It changes and evolves. It is a little frightening to think that at the end of this year my days as a lowly under grad will be over. It will be time for a fresh new start where ever it will be...
It won't be an easy decision I have some amazing friends around me. I'm sorry if it feels like over look you. You're always there, its like you never leave me. My whole world will change, but well maybe it is time to change me perspective
So here I am world....
<3 Squeak
With help from Bryan Adams
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Day Sixteen: Fear
Have you ever been alone at night
Thought you heard footsteps behind
And turned around and no-one's there ?
And as you quicken up your pace
You find it hard to look again
Because you're sure there's someone there
When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark.
We all have something that makes us afraid. Heights, spiders, blackboards, rats, needles, creepy crawlies, even a fear of long words.
Sometimes fear is a good thing because it keeps us safe. Sometimes our fear gets in the way of something we really need to do.
The key to fear is knowing when it is good and when it is bad and sometimes those two aren't very clear cut. Sometimes we might think that our fear is keeping us safe when in reality it is putting us in more danger. And there are times when the opposite can be true. The point is we don't know which one is which most of the time. We don't carry around a crystal ball for gazing into. Instead we weight up the risks associated with an activity and decide whether it is worth the consequences or not. Sometimes we do it anyway.
Fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's always near
Fear of the dark,
I have a phobia that someone's always there
I have a fear of the dark. Yes, I know this fear is something that toddlers complain about not twenty somethings. But I don't like it when my room is completely black, But I can't sleep if there is any light in there. It drives me nuts at night if I haven't turned my laptop off properly and one of the LEDs is blinking at me. Any noise, any bump or groan and I assume that there is something out there after me. Which is amusing if you are someone else and you want to have some fun. Put me in a dark room and rattle around and I won't sleep for weeks. I guess we can blame the Doctor for that. Well actually he doesn't frighten me. (I have a poster up of him on my wall, he's harmless really). I am frightened of the Vashta Nerada. And I don't care that they were a monster that appeared in only two episodes. Those two episodes were enough. The dark is one monster you can't see. Why is every culture frightened of the dark?
I have another fear. I'm frightened of preforming in front of people. Auditions, speeches anything really. The normally brave and bouncy Squeak that everyone knows and has grown to love transforms into a shy Squeak. A Squeak that is so frightened that any exit will do. I never used to be like that. In fact as a child I used to love performing in front of other people. Stage fright never hit me, no butterflies in my stomach, I wanted a stage and I wanted to be on it. So why is it now that I'm a twenty something who will run out of the room if asked to audition for a choir? Its not that I wouldn't want to be in a choir. In fact watching my friends perform makes me realise how much I miss being up there in front of an audience. You would think that would give me the strength to do it. But I can't, in fact it makes it harder.
I was being teased the other night about this fear. Being the only non choir member at a social event can be hard. I was easy when you were going out with a choir member and you could simply reply "I'm with them" but now I don't have that luxury. I'm flying solo again. Anyway I know what I would have to do if I wanted to audition for said choir, but when I heard the current members talk about their auditions I felt much worse. I knew I wouldn't have to stand in front of the whole choir or even anyone else in the room but the DOM. Instead I just felt sick. I could feel the panic fill my body and I was shaking. I felt like the whole thing would be easier if there was no body there. No one would see me fail. I couldn't disappoint anyone that way.
So instead of taking the opportunity that I really wanted, I run off. Just like that no second glace, no thinking about it over night. Too scared to put myself forward. I'm left wondering if fear is something that we have to protect ourselves, what benefit does this fear have for me? It is just making it harder as time goes by to put myself in front of an audience again. I'm not sure I'm ready to be forever in backstage roles. Everyone remembers to acknowledge the cast, stars and the director, but who remembers the props crew or the stage manager? Maybe I need to learn what my subconscious feels it needs to protect myself from.
Fear is something that I don't feel I understand
<3 S
With help from Iron Maiden, Fear of the Dark
Thought you heard footsteps behind
And turned around and no-one's there ?
And as you quicken up your pace
You find it hard to look again
Because you're sure there's someone there
When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark.
We all have something that makes us afraid. Heights, spiders, blackboards, rats, needles, creepy crawlies, even a fear of long words.
Sometimes fear is a good thing because it keeps us safe. Sometimes our fear gets in the way of something we really need to do.
The key to fear is knowing when it is good and when it is bad and sometimes those two aren't very clear cut. Sometimes we might think that our fear is keeping us safe when in reality it is putting us in more danger. And there are times when the opposite can be true. The point is we don't know which one is which most of the time. We don't carry around a crystal ball for gazing into. Instead we weight up the risks associated with an activity and decide whether it is worth the consequences or not. Sometimes we do it anyway.
Fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's always near
Fear of the dark,
I have a phobia that someone's always there
I have a fear of the dark. Yes, I know this fear is something that toddlers complain about not twenty somethings. But I don't like it when my room is completely black, But I can't sleep if there is any light in there. It drives me nuts at night if I haven't turned my laptop off properly and one of the LEDs is blinking at me. Any noise, any bump or groan and I assume that there is something out there after me. Which is amusing if you are someone else and you want to have some fun. Put me in a dark room and rattle around and I won't sleep for weeks. I guess we can blame the Doctor for that. Well actually he doesn't frighten me. (I have a poster up of him on my wall, he's harmless really). I am frightened of the Vashta Nerada. And I don't care that they were a monster that appeared in only two episodes. Those two episodes were enough. The dark is one monster you can't see. Why is every culture frightened of the dark?
I have another fear. I'm frightened of preforming in front of people. Auditions, speeches anything really. The normally brave and bouncy Squeak that everyone knows and has grown to love transforms into a shy Squeak. A Squeak that is so frightened that any exit will do. I never used to be like that. In fact as a child I used to love performing in front of other people. Stage fright never hit me, no butterflies in my stomach, I wanted a stage and I wanted to be on it. So why is it now that I'm a twenty something who will run out of the room if asked to audition for a choir? Its not that I wouldn't want to be in a choir. In fact watching my friends perform makes me realise how much I miss being up there in front of an audience. You would think that would give me the strength to do it. But I can't, in fact it makes it harder.
I was being teased the other night about this fear. Being the only non choir member at a social event can be hard. I was easy when you were going out with a choir member and you could simply reply "I'm with them" but now I don't have that luxury. I'm flying solo again. Anyway I know what I would have to do if I wanted to audition for said choir, but when I heard the current members talk about their auditions I felt much worse. I knew I wouldn't have to stand in front of the whole choir or even anyone else in the room but the DOM. Instead I just felt sick. I could feel the panic fill my body and I was shaking. I felt like the whole thing would be easier if there was no body there. No one would see me fail. I couldn't disappoint anyone that way.
So instead of taking the opportunity that I really wanted, I run off. Just like that no second glace, no thinking about it over night. Too scared to put myself forward. I'm left wondering if fear is something that we have to protect ourselves, what benefit does this fear have for me? It is just making it harder as time goes by to put myself in front of an audience again. I'm not sure I'm ready to be forever in backstage roles. Everyone remembers to acknowledge the cast, stars and the director, but who remembers the props crew or the stage manager? Maybe I need to learn what my subconscious feels it needs to protect myself from.
Fear is something that I don't feel I understand
<3 S
With help from Iron Maiden, Fear of the Dark
Friday, April 1, 2011
Day Fifteen: A Place to belong
We have somewhere to live, so where to lie down at night, even if that place is not the most glamorous. Not all places are made the same. It may not have a walk in wardrobe, spa pool, wireless Internet or tennis court, but I guess you could say its somewhere. However not everyone has somewhere where they feel like they belong. In some cases where someone lives and where they feel like they belong may be two completely different places.
We are all different. We want different things in life and our needs reflect that. But one thing we all have in common is we need somewhere were we belong. If we were put on this earth for a purpose rather than some random coincidence, then surely this place of belonging would reflect that? If we were here to change the world surely were would feel most at home in front of influential people. Or influencing people yourself. I guess it is unique from person to person.
I don't have a set place where I belong. I don't walk into Church and feel at home straight away, I rarely feel that way at university. Instead I often ask myself what am I doing there. University is very much a dog eat dog world. Glossy guidebooks would have you think that there is wonderful sense of community around the campus. However in reality everyone is living in their own little bubble. Worried out tests, grades, flatmates money and food. People are at university but they aren't really engaging with it. Maybe it is just me but I think it is hard to feel like you belong at university.
I feel more comfortable around people, but this can be quite fluid. I don't mind where we are I just like to be around people. It is the people around me that make me feel like there is a reason for me walking upon this earth and that I wasn't put here because of some mistake that my parents made twenty something years ago. They are the thing that anchor me. My preference for who I want to be around depends on what is going on right now, my mood and who is available. I guess you could say I'm a bit like Doctor Who, I'm a wanderer. Sometimes the person who I want to be with the most is so stuck up with their own bubble they can't the person standing beside them reaching out... I guess that is a lot of how society is today. other times I want to be as far away from somebody as I can get. For me place isn't important,but the people, the people are what make me feel like I belong.
There was a theory of attachment brought forward by John Bowlby in the late 1950's. He stated that there were three different responses to the situation where an a child's attachment figure would leave the room. The research started out with young children and their mothers leaving the room but then later was used to explain adult relationships. The three responses where a secure response, avoidance response, and ambivalent. People who have a secure response have a secure relationship with their attachment figure. If asked the question "In a situation would your attachment figure be there for you?" they would answer yes and be happy. They know where they stand with their attachment figure because they are always there. Avoidance response people are different again. They are avoidant of having an attachment figure in the first place and are often very independent. If asked the same question as above they would probably answer no. No because there is nobody in their life with that kind of relationship or no because they don't need an attachment figure. These people tend to avoid getting close to others. If a relationship between two people could be drawn with two lines, one for each person. Then a secure person's line would be vertical. Two people in a secure relationship could be represented with a pair of parallel lines. The line of an avoidant person could be a diagonal sloping away from the centre and the other person's line.
The last one, the ambivalent response is the one I can most relate to. This is the ambivalent response or the insecure person. While the other two types have definite answers to the question of their attachment figure, the ambivalent person hasn't. While the secure person can answer yes and the avoidant person can answer no, the insecure person would answer maybe. This is often because their attachment figure is inconsistent. Sometimes they are there and sometimes they are. In the past they may have stood by your side and helped you through the trouble, but then again they could have equally not been there leaving you to fend for yourself. Unlike the avoidant person it is hard to adapt to this kind of relationship because it is changes. They insecurities about themselves and the relationship. If this response was to be drawn as a line this would also be a diagonal, but this time slanting toward the middle. Looking for support. Two insecure people in a relationship would look like a capital A but without the brace. Very quickly it would grow unstable and topple over. It is hard being in the last category because you are never quite sure where you are or where the people around you are.
I feel that you can be independent while still having other people around you. After all I am not asking you to do my washing or my assignments. More often than no I want some company and a connection with the world around me. It is easy when the would is getting cold and dark to close in on yourself, to protect your heart. Your head tells you that getting close to people only leads to hurting so you are better off avoiding the issue all together. Really the opposite is a better solution. I find talking to more people gives me the place where I belong that I have spent my twenty something years searching for. To quote U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."
Maybe my luck will change in the future. I can't see into the future so I can't tell. Maybe there is someone out there who can give me a place to belong
<3 S
We are all different. We want different things in life and our needs reflect that. But one thing we all have in common is we need somewhere were we belong. If we were put on this earth for a purpose rather than some random coincidence, then surely this place of belonging would reflect that? If we were here to change the world surely were would feel most at home in front of influential people. Or influencing people yourself. I guess it is unique from person to person.
I don't have a set place where I belong. I don't walk into Church and feel at home straight away, I rarely feel that way at university. Instead I often ask myself what am I doing there. University is very much a dog eat dog world. Glossy guidebooks would have you think that there is wonderful sense of community around the campus. However in reality everyone is living in their own little bubble. Worried out tests, grades, flatmates money and food. People are at university but they aren't really engaging with it. Maybe it is just me but I think it is hard to feel like you belong at university.
I feel more comfortable around people, but this can be quite fluid. I don't mind where we are I just like to be around people. It is the people around me that make me feel like there is a reason for me walking upon this earth and that I wasn't put here because of some mistake that my parents made twenty something years ago. They are the thing that anchor me. My preference for who I want to be around depends on what is going on right now, my mood and who is available. I guess you could say I'm a bit like Doctor Who, I'm a wanderer. Sometimes the person who I want to be with the most is so stuck up with their own bubble they can't the person standing beside them reaching out... I guess that is a lot of how society is today. other times I want to be as far away from somebody as I can get. For me place isn't important,but the people, the people are what make me feel like I belong.
There was a theory of attachment brought forward by John Bowlby in the late 1950's. He stated that there were three different responses to the situation where an a child's attachment figure would leave the room. The research started out with young children and their mothers leaving the room but then later was used to explain adult relationships. The three responses where a secure response, avoidance response, and ambivalent. People who have a secure response have a secure relationship with their attachment figure. If asked the question "In a situation would your attachment figure be there for you?" they would answer yes and be happy. They know where they stand with their attachment figure because they are always there. Avoidance response people are different again. They are avoidant of having an attachment figure in the first place and are often very independent. If asked the same question as above they would probably answer no. No because there is nobody in their life with that kind of relationship or no because they don't need an attachment figure. These people tend to avoid getting close to others. If a relationship between two people could be drawn with two lines, one for each person. Then a secure person's line would be vertical. Two people in a secure relationship could be represented with a pair of parallel lines. The line of an avoidant person could be a diagonal sloping away from the centre and the other person's line.
The last one, the ambivalent response is the one I can most relate to. This is the ambivalent response or the insecure person. While the other two types have definite answers to the question of their attachment figure, the ambivalent person hasn't. While the secure person can answer yes and the avoidant person can answer no, the insecure person would answer maybe. This is often because their attachment figure is inconsistent. Sometimes they are there and sometimes they are. In the past they may have stood by your side and helped you through the trouble, but then again they could have equally not been there leaving you to fend for yourself. Unlike the avoidant person it is hard to adapt to this kind of relationship because it is changes. They insecurities about themselves and the relationship. If this response was to be drawn as a line this would also be a diagonal, but this time slanting toward the middle. Looking for support. Two insecure people in a relationship would look like a capital A but without the brace. Very quickly it would grow unstable and topple over. It is hard being in the last category because you are never quite sure where you are or where the people around you are.
I feel that you can be independent while still having other people around you. After all I am not asking you to do my washing or my assignments. More often than no I want some company and a connection with the world around me. It is easy when the would is getting cold and dark to close in on yourself, to protect your heart. Your head tells you that getting close to people only leads to hurting so you are better off avoiding the issue all together. Really the opposite is a better solution. I find talking to more people gives me the place where I belong that I have spent my twenty something years searching for. To quote U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."
Maybe my luck will change in the future. I can't see into the future so I can't tell. Maybe there is someone out there who can give me a place to belong
<3 S
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Day Forteen: Sunshine
Things feel so much better after a good day outside. Even if it is for an hour or so before you get locked away in the dungeon lecture theatre for another 'thrilling' dose of statistics.
I love the sun. But not Summer. It is too hot and the Day Star tends to do +10 damage to my skin. Autumn is the Goldilocks season, not too hot and not too cold. I love that I'm born in the best season :)
Sunshine, outdoors and people who are important to you are a good combination. They can make everything just seem that little bit more bearable again. Thanks M, you are a lifesaver.
I guess the moral of today's story is that I need to provide myself with breaks from time to time and enjoy the scenery around me. Life is a journey and there is no point driving so fast that you miss all the pretty things along the way.
<3 S
I love the sun. But not Summer. It is too hot and the Day Star tends to do +10 damage to my skin. Autumn is the Goldilocks season, not too hot and not too cold. I love that I'm born in the best season :)
Sunshine, outdoors and people who are important to you are a good combination. They can make everything just seem that little bit more bearable again. Thanks M, you are a lifesaver.
I guess the moral of today's story is that I need to provide myself with breaks from time to time and enjoy the scenery around me. Life is a journey and there is no point driving so fast that you miss all the pretty things along the way.
<3 S
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Day Thirteen: Recovery
There are times when we are all go. Everything is moving at full speed at the same time. Everyone wants something from you. There are just times when it just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. Things get juggled around in priority. Somethings move up and other things just have to get left behind. Somethings just get plain forgotten about.
For me the things that always ends up at the bottom of the list is me. It is easier to do everything else, make everyone else happy than it is to look after yourself. It is hard to get 8 hours of sleep a night when there are assignments to be done, letters to be written and friends to support. It is easier to skip a meal and spend more time studying than it is to pack lunch from home or to even stop what you are doing. Life doesn't stop when you are having a bad day. In fact does the world even stop at all?
The world doesn't stop turning. It is one of the few constants that this earth has to offer. If you are having a bad day, it will soon be a new one. The present day can't last forever. I must tell myself that on a regular basis.
Neglecting yourself on a regular basis does take its toll. There are times when you just need to stop. Stop what you are doing completely. The world will keep turning without you. It is time to rewind a bit. refresh yourself and get ready for the next battle. Recovery is important because without we can't keep carrying on.
We would become stale and weak. How can we be there for others when they need us when we can't even look after ourselves. Maybe this is something that should a more regular thing. Taking a break to recover shouldn't be frowned upon. It should be encouraged. After all we are all human.
On that note, I should probably look after myself and avoid another late night.
<3 S
For me the things that always ends up at the bottom of the list is me. It is easier to do everything else, make everyone else happy than it is to look after yourself. It is hard to get 8 hours of sleep a night when there are assignments to be done, letters to be written and friends to support. It is easier to skip a meal and spend more time studying than it is to pack lunch from home or to even stop what you are doing. Life doesn't stop when you are having a bad day. In fact does the world even stop at all?
The world doesn't stop turning. It is one of the few constants that this earth has to offer. If you are having a bad day, it will soon be a new one. The present day can't last forever. I must tell myself that on a regular basis.
Neglecting yourself on a regular basis does take its toll. There are times when you just need to stop. Stop what you are doing completely. The world will keep turning without you. It is time to rewind a bit. refresh yourself and get ready for the next battle. Recovery is important because without we can't keep carrying on.
We would become stale and weak. How can we be there for others when they need us when we can't even look after ourselves. Maybe this is something that should a more regular thing. Taking a break to recover shouldn't be frowned upon. It should be encouraged. After all we are all human.
On that note, I should probably look after myself and avoid another late night.
<3 S
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Day Twelve:Surprises
"The best kind of prize is a surprise..."
There are two kinds of surprise in the world. Nice surprises and bad surprised. Bad surprises are like when you find out that your lecturer is in an especially evil mood and has decided to give you two tests in one week just to see the looks on your faces. Or when you get up in the morning and discover that the dog has been sick on the carpet. You get the idea...
Naturally since this is a blog called 40 Days of Love not 40 Days of things I can't stand, I will be writing about nice surprised. (Sorry to all those out there who are disappointed). Nice surprises are best when they are unexpected (That sounded much less redundant in my head) I suppose if we knew that was coming then it wouldn't be a surprise.
Anyway nice surprises are fun. Like Birthday surprises. Unless you are insanely organised like me most of the time you don't know what you are going to get. Btw its not that I don't like not knowing what I'm getting, its more that apparently I'm a hard person to buy for, so I end up telling people what I want. Its not as much a surprise. But each year I will always receive a gift that takes me back. This year it was a little yellow watering can. Its a bit of an in joke, but I might explain the back story later on. I knew this person knew the story behind it, but i never expected them to go out and buy me a watering can for my significant twenty-something birthday....
But birthdays come around each year. So the presents aren't fully a surprise. I mean you always get something on your birthday. Even if it is first-year flu for the forth year running. There are other surprises too. Ones that come completely out of the blue. I like these ones the best.
I was talking to a friend the other night about a fundraising event they had hosted over the weekend to raise funds for Christchurch Earthquake relief. The event went really well and they raised over $2000. (Well done guys) I wasn't able to go but I did bake a cake which got delivered up there which apparently was delicious and somewhat epic. As hinted in earlier posts my baking has a reputation. Anyway as thank you the guys made this: http://imgur.com/a/q1wgZ#KWKrh
I had know idea that they had done this until I had the link sent to me. I was so touched. It was a really nice surprise and it made my day. My cake will be forever remembered in Minecraft.
I think from time to time we all need a bit of surprise in our lives. Whether it is to keep us on our toes or just to stop us assuming that we know what is going to happen next. After all how boring would life be if we could see exactly what was going to happen next? It would be like reading the online spoilers for TV shows that haven't aired in your country... Once you know what is going to happen, there is no point watching. I suspect that is why they are called spoilers.I think surprises are good, and I will enjoy them when they come. Maybe not the unexpected test kind of ones as much though....
<3 S
There are two kinds of surprise in the world. Nice surprises and bad surprised. Bad surprises are like when you find out that your lecturer is in an especially evil mood and has decided to give you two tests in one week just to see the looks on your faces. Or when you get up in the morning and discover that the dog has been sick on the carpet. You get the idea...
Naturally since this is a blog called 40 Days of Love not 40 Days of things I can't stand, I will be writing about nice surprised. (Sorry to all those out there who are disappointed). Nice surprises are best when they are unexpected (That sounded much less redundant in my head) I suppose if we knew that was coming then it wouldn't be a surprise.
Anyway nice surprises are fun. Like Birthday surprises. Unless you are insanely organised like me most of the time you don't know what you are going to get. Btw its not that I don't like not knowing what I'm getting, its more that apparently I'm a hard person to buy for, so I end up telling people what I want. Its not as much a surprise. But each year I will always receive a gift that takes me back. This year it was a little yellow watering can. Its a bit of an in joke, but I might explain the back story later on. I knew this person knew the story behind it, but i never expected them to go out and buy me a watering can for my significant twenty-something birthday....
But birthdays come around each year. So the presents aren't fully a surprise. I mean you always get something on your birthday. Even if it is first-year flu for the forth year running. There are other surprises too. Ones that come completely out of the blue. I like these ones the best.
I was talking to a friend the other night about a fundraising event they had hosted over the weekend to raise funds for Christchurch Earthquake relief. The event went really well and they raised over $2000. (Well done guys) I wasn't able to go but I did bake a cake which got delivered up there which apparently was delicious and somewhat epic. As hinted in earlier posts my baking has a reputation. Anyway as thank you the guys made this: http://imgur.com/a/q1wgZ#KWKrh
I had know idea that they had done this until I had the link sent to me. I was so touched. It was a really nice surprise and it made my day. My cake will be forever remembered in Minecraft.
I think from time to time we all need a bit of surprise in our lives. Whether it is to keep us on our toes or just to stop us assuming that we know what is going to happen next. After all how boring would life be if we could see exactly what was going to happen next? It would be like reading the online spoilers for TV shows that haven't aired in your country... Once you know what is going to happen, there is no point watching. I suspect that is why they are called spoilers.I think surprises are good, and I will enjoy them when they come. Maybe not the unexpected test kind of ones as much though....
<3 S
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Day Eleven: Lip Gloss
I'm looking at the title and already wondering if this is such a good idea. Suddenly it will look like my account was hacked my a little girl of around 8. Well maybe a bit older. I can assure you that this hasn't been hacked. There is no 5 year old niece sitting beside me telling me to write about her favourite lip gloss brands or how one day she will be Mrs Justin Bieber... Its just Squeak, I promise.
So why on earth would a twenty something write about lip gloss? Tbh it was one of the first things that come into my head tonight, but then after some more thought about I figured I could break the mould just one night. After all there are 39 other posts that can be sensible.
Anyway there is a significant risk that I am going to sound like a young girl by saying this, but I really like lip gloss. There, i said it.... Can life go on now? I can't really explain why I like them. i wasn't a girl that was brought up with drawers full of make up. In fact it wasn't until I started going to university before I started wearing make up on a more regular basis, and even then it is not that often.
Anyway, moving right along. I like lip gloss. I like the ones that have the really nice scents. I'm thinking of Lush ones right now. Then there are the ones that make your lips all shiny. I've never been a big fan of those. Esp the ones that make your lips look like jelly. I mean seriously, what man would want to kiss a jelly?! Of course most lip glosses also taste nice. Not that any of us buy them just based on that. Although Vanilla Coke lip gloss was very tempting.
Lip gloss is such a simple thing that I wear everyday. I guess it is my little pick me up. i have a variety in my backpack. I won't be as bold to say that I have a different one for a different mood. But I do like to rotate that ones I wear around. I feel somewhat naked without it on. I guess it would be like forgetting to put your watch that you wear everyday on. Maybe.
I like to sit in class and play with my lip gloss tubes. Probably end up putting on far more than I need, but oh well. Statistics lectures are boring. Even the lecturers admit it. It may be one of the small things that I do each day to make myself feel pretty. I have no idea if it actually makes a difference. Do guys really care if a girl has soft kissable lips? But considering how much I battle with my reflection in the mirror, if it is a small victory then I will continue to do it. I like wearing it and since there is no significant other in my life I don't really have to worry. I highly doubt any boy will be kissing me anytime soon.
So there you go, Day Eleven is my confession about lip gloss.
<3 S
So why on earth would a twenty something write about lip gloss? Tbh it was one of the first things that come into my head tonight, but then after some more thought about I figured I could break the mould just one night. After all there are 39 other posts that can be sensible.
Anyway there is a significant risk that I am going to sound like a young girl by saying this, but I really like lip gloss. There, i said it.... Can life go on now? I can't really explain why I like them. i wasn't a girl that was brought up with drawers full of make up. In fact it wasn't until I started going to university before I started wearing make up on a more regular basis, and even then it is not that often.
Anyway, moving right along. I like lip gloss. I like the ones that have the really nice scents. I'm thinking of Lush ones right now. Then there are the ones that make your lips all shiny. I've never been a big fan of those. Esp the ones that make your lips look like jelly. I mean seriously, what man would want to kiss a jelly?! Of course most lip glosses also taste nice. Not that any of us buy them just based on that. Although Vanilla Coke lip gloss was very tempting.
Lip gloss is such a simple thing that I wear everyday. I guess it is my little pick me up. i have a variety in my backpack. I won't be as bold to say that I have a different one for a different mood. But I do like to rotate that ones I wear around. I feel somewhat naked without it on. I guess it would be like forgetting to put your watch that you wear everyday on. Maybe.
I like to sit in class and play with my lip gloss tubes. Probably end up putting on far more than I need, but oh well. Statistics lectures are boring. Even the lecturers admit it. It may be one of the small things that I do each day to make myself feel pretty. I have no idea if it actually makes a difference. Do guys really care if a girl has soft kissable lips? But considering how much I battle with my reflection in the mirror, if it is a small victory then I will continue to do it. I like wearing it and since there is no significant other in my life I don't really have to worry. I highly doubt any boy will be kissing me anytime soon.
So there you go, Day Eleven is my confession about lip gloss.
<3 S
Monday, March 21, 2011
Day Ten: A Place To Call Home
I have never known another house, or another bedroom. I have lived in the same house, on the same street, in the same suburb, in the same city all my life. My parents bought this house before I was born and we have lived here ever since. i consider myself lucky to have a roof over my head.
Yes, there have been times when I sulked because one of my parents wouldn't let me paint my bedroom Barbie Pink, Bright Purple, Shocking Lime, Black or whatever other colour my teenage self would have desired. Looking back I'm quite pleased that my room isn't any of those colours. Too much of the first three tend to give anyone a headache or at least induce the need to wear sunglasses indoors. And black, well its so dark... I can achieve that by just not pulling the blind up during the day.
I have been fortunate enough to have had a roof over my head and food on the table every night. I have come from a stable house. I know of people who haven't been that lucky.
It is not just having a stable house that I'm lucky to have. I was fortunate to be born in a nice city. We have public transport (Even if it is overpriced and ever slightly unreliable), we have power, there are nice green open spaces only a short walk away, we can see the sea (even swim in it if it isn't too cold), there is a university (well 2 actually) located here, so I didn't even need to leave the city to continue my education. So many places don't have all these things.
I live in a sable country. There is no mob waiting with sharpened pitchforks rioting in the street (I admit that this is a slightly old fashioned view). The military mostly stays out of the lives of civilians. The Government could certainly be doing a worse job. If the worst they could do is put interest back on student loans then compared to other places in the world we could be much much worse off. Our government apparently is one of the least corrupt in the world.
I live in a country where you can be open about your faith and not get jailed for being Chrisitain. Our children recieve an education, and health care is free. People can be open about their sexuality and support is out there for those who need it. Our country has money to provide services and share around resources.
Our city isn't littered with volcanoes, or bush fires, nuclear waste, or anything like that. I guess I'm lucky that when i come home after a long day of study at university, I have a place to call home.
<3 S
Yes, there have been times when I sulked because one of my parents wouldn't let me paint my bedroom Barbie Pink, Bright Purple, Shocking Lime, Black or whatever other colour my teenage self would have desired. Looking back I'm quite pleased that my room isn't any of those colours. Too much of the first three tend to give anyone a headache or at least induce the need to wear sunglasses indoors. And black, well its so dark... I can achieve that by just not pulling the blind up during the day.
I have been fortunate enough to have had a roof over my head and food on the table every night. I have come from a stable house. I know of people who haven't been that lucky.
It is not just having a stable house that I'm lucky to have. I was fortunate to be born in a nice city. We have public transport (Even if it is overpriced and ever slightly unreliable), we have power, there are nice green open spaces only a short walk away, we can see the sea (even swim in it if it isn't too cold), there is a university (well 2 actually) located here, so I didn't even need to leave the city to continue my education. So many places don't have all these things.
I live in a sable country. There is no mob waiting with sharpened pitchforks rioting in the street (I admit that this is a slightly old fashioned view). The military mostly stays out of the lives of civilians. The Government could certainly be doing a worse job. If the worst they could do is put interest back on student loans then compared to other places in the world we could be much much worse off. Our government apparently is one of the least corrupt in the world.
I live in a country where you can be open about your faith and not get jailed for being Chrisitain. Our children recieve an education, and health care is free. People can be open about their sexuality and support is out there for those who need it. Our country has money to provide services and share around resources.
Our city isn't littered with volcanoes, or bush fires, nuclear waste, or anything like that. I guess I'm lucky that when i come home after a long day of study at university, I have a place to call home.
<3 S
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Day Nine: Support
I love that I am supported by wonderful friends and family. I also love that I can also be supportive to those who need it.
I know I sometimes don't always want it (pride is a pain) but I always have people behind, encouraging me to do my best.
Thank you so very much. Your support is much appriciated. Especially you M. You have helped me get through what has felt like a long and difficult week. You are truly amazing.
I hope that I can support you as much as you support me
<3 S
I know I sometimes don't always want it (pride is a pain) but I always have people behind, encouraging me to do my best.
Thank you so very much. Your support is much appriciated. Especially you M. You have helped me get through what has felt like a long and difficult week. You are truly amazing.
I hope that I can support you as much as you support me
<3 S
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Day Eight: Creation
"Be careful of that body, I created that from scratch"
Twenty something years ago today a body was created from scratch. Me. I went from just a few cells to something that resembled human. Over this time this little human grew up, fell in love, learnt and made mistakes. She even got a little yellow watering can. Maybe not in that order, but you get the idea. These experiences created me into the person who is writing this blog right now.
These experiences created me. Just like my mum and dad created me, and twenty something years ago I was brought into the world. A whole new world, a world that had never had any one like a Squeak before and probably never will. I am unique.
God created the world in seven days. Well he worked on it for six days and created rest on the seventh. I was created by my parents. And the world and all its experiences created who I am today.
I think you could almost conclude this is a cycle...
One day I might meet a man, we may have a child together. This child will be completely unique to their parents. They will be born and straight away the world will start influencing them. Moulding and shaping them into the person they will become. Like a potter shaping with clay. They will grow up and develop and then they may also have a child. My grandchild is likely to be even more different from me. Things evolve and change.
I don't like to say I was born twenty something years ago today. I like to say that I began my creation twenty something years ago.
The world is creating me, just like my mother created my body from scratch. I have to admit that she did a good job too. I don't have any extra anythings. No extra eyeballs, hands, legs. Nothing exciting like that. Just a regular person.
If I say that I am created then that makes me unique. No one can claim to have had the same creation process as me. Therefore I am special. Other's may share the same birthday as me but no one will ever share the same creation. I love that I am unique. Having someone else just like me would take away my purpose in the world. What is the use of trying to make a difference when there is someone out there who can do exactly the same job as you. You become redundant in your own life. I guess because there is only one of me, it is up to me to take the experiences I have been dealt, and create someone who can change the world. Even if it is only one baby step at a time.
My name is Squeak, I am human, and on this day twenty something years ago I began my process of creation
<3 S
Twenty something years ago today a body was created from scratch. Me. I went from just a few cells to something that resembled human. Over this time this little human grew up, fell in love, learnt and made mistakes. She even got a little yellow watering can. Maybe not in that order, but you get the idea. These experiences created me into the person who is writing this blog right now.
These experiences created me. Just like my mum and dad created me, and twenty something years ago I was brought into the world. A whole new world, a world that had never had any one like a Squeak before and probably never will. I am unique.
God created the world in seven days. Well he worked on it for six days and created rest on the seventh. I was created by my parents. And the world and all its experiences created who I am today.
I think you could almost conclude this is a cycle...
One day I might meet a man, we may have a child together. This child will be completely unique to their parents. They will be born and straight away the world will start influencing them. Moulding and shaping them into the person they will become. Like a potter shaping with clay. They will grow up and develop and then they may also have a child. My grandchild is likely to be even more different from me. Things evolve and change.
I don't like to say I was born twenty something years ago today. I like to say that I began my creation twenty something years ago.
The world is creating me, just like my mother created my body from scratch. I have to admit that she did a good job too. I don't have any extra anythings. No extra eyeballs, hands, legs. Nothing exciting like that. Just a regular person.
If I say that I am created then that makes me unique. No one can claim to have had the same creation process as me. Therefore I am special. Other's may share the same birthday as me but no one will ever share the same creation. I love that I am unique. Having someone else just like me would take away my purpose in the world. What is the use of trying to make a difference when there is someone out there who can do exactly the same job as you. You become redundant in your own life. I guess because there is only one of me, it is up to me to take the experiences I have been dealt, and create someone who can change the world. Even if it is only one baby step at a time.
My name is Squeak, I am human, and on this day twenty something years ago I began my process of creation
<3 S
Friday, March 18, 2011
Day Seven: Human
Day Seven Eight, Nine and probably Ten
I feel that I have left this for a considerable amount of time and if I don't get back to writing in this then it will die a slow and painful death of neglect and starvation.
So what has been happening in my life that has made me neglect the one thing I set out to do religiously this Lent? To be honest not a lot. Clearly my New Year's Resolution to become more organised is falling behind. I wasn't doing too badly until uni started....
Anyway, I've been having trouble with coming up with things to say. My mother and probably all my teachers used to tell us if we didn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I guess that is where I have fallen. It is hard thinking of something new and creative to say about yourself each night. Some of you might think that it is easy but I challenge you to do it for yourself.
I am only human. This is not something I love about myself. To be honest this is something I strongly dislike about myself. Hate is probably for once to strong a word. I mean I'm kinda grateful I'm human as opposed to a martian from Mars or a whale. Esp the whale that falls from the sky in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I almost view being human as a weakness. I want to be perfect so badly it clouds over everything I do. While I can bake pretty well and apparently my cupcakes are something to be treasured and scoffed down really quickly. I can't look over my own baking without finding something wrong with it. "I didn't beat the butter and sugar well enough", "The oven wasn't hot enough and the cake sunk", "My icing is messy"... These things which others would see as giving the baking character, proving that it is homemade, to me are terrible. I very rarely am satisfied with my efforts in the kitchen....
It is not just in the kitchen where I am at war with myself. Grades throughout my education career have always been a battle. If my parents didn't give me high expectations, I would. Every missed percentage would give me something to get upset about. I wanted the perfect grades. I felt that if I had that perfect 100% I would be happy and I would like myself better. It never happened. I know because I have had 100% in assignments. Instead of being angry that I missed out on valuable marks, I feel that the marker wasn't being tough enough, and I mark myself down.
This constant battling with myself does take its toll. I have my good days and my bad days, like everyone. My good days are really good and my bad days, well sometimes rock bottom just isn't deep enough. I either find a digger or some explosives and push myself further and further down the hole until I reach red hot magma. There are days when all I feel capable of doing is barricading myself in the toilet or my bedroom and crying my eyes out. There have been whole days where I have done just that. It may be futile, it rarely makes me feel better, but it is all I feel like I can do. You feel so helpless.
It may seem strange that in a blog about love and finding the love in yourself I am writing about how much I dislike myself and how much I beat myself up about the smallest things. But I wanted people to see that I am human. As much as I hate to admit this, these bad days are part of who I am. i may come across as a bubbly, bright person. But sometimes those people have the most hurt. Sometimes all those people are wanting is for someone to reach out to them. To see someone else's human side. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a world of emotionless robots.
Robots with no passion, love or desire. Robots that are so caught up in their own world, their own day to day lives they don't see the others on the same path struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe is all time that we show our human side. Instead of hiding it away behind a bathroom stall, wiping the mascara and eyeliner that has run down our face and putting on a brave face before entering the wide world again, we need to show the world that all is not well. That smile we do so well is hiding something much deeper. Something that will continue to grow and eat you up.
I struggle somedays to do that. It is easy to put a brave face, fake a smile and nod when they aski if everything is ok. Why? Because after answering "How is you day?" or "How are you?" if you answer fine or good. They leave you alone. No difficult questions you are free to carry on with your own existence. Your connection with another person is over as quickly as it began. once again you are alone. You may like it that way.
It is almost as though society is encouraging people to become like this. Community is dying. Maybe is is all our own wrong doing. But if everyone was there for one another would the world be a nicer place to be? If we were feeling useless and unloved, feeling as those being eliminated from the gene pool by a bolt of lightening would be a good end, how would that change if someone was there? If they wanted to know why? If they could help you see what is good in your life rather than sitting warm in their own fuzzy world. Would their problems also shrink?
I guess this has turned into a philosophy lecture. Not intentional.
My name is Squeak and I am human. I have good days but I also have bad days. I don't like bad days.
I feel that I have left this for a considerable amount of time and if I don't get back to writing in this then it will die a slow and painful death of neglect and starvation.
So what has been happening in my life that has made me neglect the one thing I set out to do religiously this Lent? To be honest not a lot. Clearly my New Year's Resolution to become more organised is falling behind. I wasn't doing too badly until uni started....
Anyway, I've been having trouble with coming up with things to say. My mother and probably all my teachers used to tell us if we didn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I guess that is where I have fallen. It is hard thinking of something new and creative to say about yourself each night. Some of you might think that it is easy but I challenge you to do it for yourself.
I am only human. This is not something I love about myself. To be honest this is something I strongly dislike about myself. Hate is probably for once to strong a word. I mean I'm kinda grateful I'm human as opposed to a martian from Mars or a whale. Esp the whale that falls from the sky in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I almost view being human as a weakness. I want to be perfect so badly it clouds over everything I do. While I can bake pretty well and apparently my cupcakes are something to be treasured and scoffed down really quickly. I can't look over my own baking without finding something wrong with it. "I didn't beat the butter and sugar well enough", "The oven wasn't hot enough and the cake sunk", "My icing is messy"... These things which others would see as giving the baking character, proving that it is homemade, to me are terrible. I very rarely am satisfied with my efforts in the kitchen....
It is not just in the kitchen where I am at war with myself. Grades throughout my education career have always been a battle. If my parents didn't give me high expectations, I would. Every missed percentage would give me something to get upset about. I wanted the perfect grades. I felt that if I had that perfect 100% I would be happy and I would like myself better. It never happened. I know because I have had 100% in assignments. Instead of being angry that I missed out on valuable marks, I feel that the marker wasn't being tough enough, and I mark myself down.
This constant battling with myself does take its toll. I have my good days and my bad days, like everyone. My good days are really good and my bad days, well sometimes rock bottom just isn't deep enough. I either find a digger or some explosives and push myself further and further down the hole until I reach red hot magma. There are days when all I feel capable of doing is barricading myself in the toilet or my bedroom and crying my eyes out. There have been whole days where I have done just that. It may be futile, it rarely makes me feel better, but it is all I feel like I can do. You feel so helpless.
It may seem strange that in a blog about love and finding the love in yourself I am writing about how much I dislike myself and how much I beat myself up about the smallest things. But I wanted people to see that I am human. As much as I hate to admit this, these bad days are part of who I am. i may come across as a bubbly, bright person. But sometimes those people have the most hurt. Sometimes all those people are wanting is for someone to reach out to them. To see someone else's human side. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a world of emotionless robots.
Robots with no passion, love or desire. Robots that are so caught up in their own world, their own day to day lives they don't see the others on the same path struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe is all time that we show our human side. Instead of hiding it away behind a bathroom stall, wiping the mascara and eyeliner that has run down our face and putting on a brave face before entering the wide world again, we need to show the world that all is not well. That smile we do so well is hiding something much deeper. Something that will continue to grow and eat you up.
I struggle somedays to do that. It is easy to put a brave face, fake a smile and nod when they aski if everything is ok. Why? Because after answering "How is you day?" or "How are you?" if you answer fine or good. They leave you alone. No difficult questions you are free to carry on with your own existence. Your connection with another person is over as quickly as it began. once again you are alone. You may like it that way.
It is almost as though society is encouraging people to become like this. Community is dying. Maybe is is all our own wrong doing. But if everyone was there for one another would the world be a nicer place to be? If we were feeling useless and unloved, feeling as those being eliminated from the gene pool by a bolt of lightening would be a good end, how would that change if someone was there? If they wanted to know why? If they could help you see what is good in your life rather than sitting warm in their own fuzzy world. Would their problems also shrink?
I guess this has turned into a philosophy lecture. Not intentional.
My name is Squeak and I am human. I have good days but I also have bad days. I don't like bad days.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day Six: Fans
And when you smile; the whole world stops and and stares for a while...:
And its time for Day Six
Day Six: Fans
I'm not going to sit here and brag that I have my own fan page on Facebook or anything. *Checks Facebook* Well I certainly hope that I don't have my own fan page, and for the record if there is one out there I did not create it!!!
It seems like an odd thing to like about oneself. In fact, I had to think twice about it before posting this. I guess you could say that I have a few fans in this world. I'm certainly not like Lady Gaga or Katy Perry or Justin Bieber. There aren't millions of girls screaming at me where ever I go. I certainly don't want that, in fact I would find that kinda creepy. Anyway I'm getting caught up in detail...
For those of you who haven't guessed already I love baking. In fact I love baking so much I was given Pac-Man cookie cutters for my birthday. (I collect cookie cutters, I also have a large collection of dinosaur cookie cutters and at times they get taken out and its dinosaur cookies all round). Most of my Friends love eating baked goods, so the relationship works very well. I guess you could say my baking over time developed a bit of fan club. For some it was because I would bring a chocolate cake even when it wasn't asked for. (Trust me, chocolate cakes makes Opera rehearsals fun again). For others it was because I made the effort in perfecting baking that wouldn't kill them and or give them a tummy ache. I guess it just grew from there....
I know when I compliment her she wont believe me. And its so, sad to think she don't see what I see...
Even when I'm not there people seem to know who I am. It is not just because for a long time I was C's other half. Or the Very supportive girlfriend of M. Apparently I could stand out from them. People would comment about how nice I was or how much they loved my baking. They weren't even prompted. I never used to believe these stories when I first heard about them. I used to wonder how people who had hardly spent any time with me could be so nice about me. I would say that it was because they didn't know me, but the purpose of this blog is to change the way I look at myself.
But they are nice about me. And still are. Hearing that you are amazing is a nice feeling. It makes you feel like maybe in the craziness of the world, a world full of earthquakes, tsunamis, high food prices and university assignments, just maybe I might be doing a good job. So I might not be a famous movie star or lead singer or U2 but I still have fans.
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
Thank you everyone who has stood beside me, and behind me, and in front of me all these years in support. I appreciate your support, you can keep me going. You guys are amazing too :)
<3 My fans and everyone else
<3 S
And its time for Day Six
Day Six: Fans
I'm not going to sit here and brag that I have my own fan page on Facebook or anything. *Checks Facebook* Well I certainly hope that I don't have my own fan page, and for the record if there is one out there I did not create it!!!
It seems like an odd thing to like about oneself. In fact, I had to think twice about it before posting this. I guess you could say that I have a few fans in this world. I'm certainly not like Lady Gaga or Katy Perry or Justin Bieber. There aren't millions of girls screaming at me where ever I go. I certainly don't want that, in fact I would find that kinda creepy. Anyway I'm getting caught up in detail...
For those of you who haven't guessed already I love baking. In fact I love baking so much I was given Pac-Man cookie cutters for my birthday. (I collect cookie cutters, I also have a large collection of dinosaur cookie cutters and at times they get taken out and its dinosaur cookies all round). Most of my Friends love eating baked goods, so the relationship works very well. I guess you could say my baking over time developed a bit of fan club. For some it was because I would bring a chocolate cake even when it wasn't asked for. (Trust me, chocolate cakes makes Opera rehearsals fun again). For others it was because I made the effort in perfecting baking that wouldn't kill them and or give them a tummy ache. I guess it just grew from there....
I know when I compliment her she wont believe me. And its so, sad to think she don't see what I see...
Even when I'm not there people seem to know who I am. It is not just because for a long time I was C's other half. Or the Very supportive girlfriend of M. Apparently I could stand out from them. People would comment about how nice I was or how much they loved my baking. They weren't even prompted. I never used to believe these stories when I first heard about them. I used to wonder how people who had hardly spent any time with me could be so nice about me. I would say that it was because they didn't know me, but the purpose of this blog is to change the way I look at myself.
But they are nice about me. And still are. Hearing that you are amazing is a nice feeling. It makes you feel like maybe in the craziness of the world, a world full of earthquakes, tsunamis, high food prices and university assignments, just maybe I might be doing a good job. So I might not be a famous movie star or lead singer or U2 but I still have fans.
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are
Thank you everyone who has stood beside me, and behind me, and in front of me all these years in support. I appreciate your support, you can keep me going. You guys are amazing too :)
<3 My fans and everyone else
<3 S
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day Five: Value
Well things are still moving along swiftly in the world of Squeak
And now we are on to Day Five. I also can't believe that we are up to the third month of the year already and even most of that is gone!
Moving on with the show... Day Five: Value
Yesterday I was talking about how much I loved my friends and how important their friendship meant to me. Its is not just friendship that is important in my life. There are other things as well. I want to make a difference in people's lives rather than being a ghost who can drift in and out and never leave any footsteps.
To do that you need to be repsected. People need to be able to hear your voice. But not only do they need to hear it but they also need to value and respect that. For some people this doesn't come straight away but once you have it, it is there for a very long time.
Today I found out how vauled I am in my community. I was asked to be appointed into a very high role in leading the community forward. Naturally I was taken back when the offer was made because in the past I had never considered myself for a role like that. When discussing this with others, and having them support me I felt valued. Like all those years sitting in the background with my sleves rolled up were all worth it. I was being recognised and people were valuing the contribution that I can make.
Feeling valued is a very strong feeling. I think I will need to reflect on that when I feel worthless. I might not feel great right at the moment but things will and do get better and people are valuing what I do.
Its hard to put a value on things. The kind of value I feel when someone comments on a job well done, is not felt when I open my wallet to pay for something. Even though in this language they have the same word they mean completely different things. One can be meausured with numbers and the other has to be measured by the heart. This kind of value has to be felt.
I love that I have great friends who are ever so supportive and I love they value me.
<3 S
And now we are on to Day Five. I also can't believe that we are up to the third month of the year already and even most of that is gone!
Moving on with the show... Day Five: Value
Yesterday I was talking about how much I loved my friends and how important their friendship meant to me. Its is not just friendship that is important in my life. There are other things as well. I want to make a difference in people's lives rather than being a ghost who can drift in and out and never leave any footsteps.
To do that you need to be repsected. People need to be able to hear your voice. But not only do they need to hear it but they also need to value and respect that. For some people this doesn't come straight away but once you have it, it is there for a very long time.
Today I found out how vauled I am in my community. I was asked to be appointed into a very high role in leading the community forward. Naturally I was taken back when the offer was made because in the past I had never considered myself for a role like that. When discussing this with others, and having them support me I felt valued. Like all those years sitting in the background with my sleves rolled up were all worth it. I was being recognised and people were valuing the contribution that I can make.
Feeling valued is a very strong feeling. I think I will need to reflect on that when I feel worthless. I might not feel great right at the moment but things will and do get better and people are valuing what I do.
Its hard to put a value on things. The kind of value I feel when someone comments on a job well done, is not felt when I open my wallet to pay for something. Even though in this language they have the same word they mean completely different things. One can be meausured with numbers and the other has to be measured by the heart. This kind of value has to be felt.
I love that I have great friends who are ever so supportive and I love they value me.
<3 S
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Day Four: Friendship
So a busy day today, but that's ok. We need those from time to time.
Day Four: Friendship
I'm grateful I have amazing friends around me. I know at times I don't acknowledge them and there are times when it feels like there is no one around. But they are. Sometimes I feel like I'm so caught up in my own little world I don't see the people who stand beside me.
I once read this quote on a bathroom stall "Loneliness is when you are in a room full of people and feel connected to none of them" I have to admit i thought about this for a while. But I agreed. There are times when I have felt my most alone and I have had the most people around me. But I don't have to feel like that all the time.
Today showed me that spending the afternoon with people you like around you can make you feel like you are on top of the world. I think loneliness is a part of our lives. There will be points in our life when we do feel alone but what I'm learning now is to not let those moments take over your life and take away the good times you can have with other people. After all a dozen twenty-somethings running around with paint, play dough, and bubble mix surely can't be wrong.
I love that I have friends and I love my friends. I love that they appreciate me (most of the time) and they can say nice things. I have amazing friends. I sometimes get emotional when I think about all the times they have been there for me and all the wonderful things they do. A friend of mine, wrote me a beautiful note today explaining how I was such a supportive friend to all the activities my friends are involved in (We all have very busy lives). The words used to describe me were unbelievable. Its not that I don't agree with them, its more I never realised how much I meant to one person, well, a lot of people. This friend just happened to put it into words. I love you M you are a great friend to have around as well.
So we need the bad times to balance the good. But I think from now on I'm going to try and meet new people, tell my friends I appreciate the amazing job they do and stop getting caught up in my own world. Because in all honesty we are nothing without other people around us to share the highs and the lows.
I love that I have these great friends around me, because together I think we make a great team. Thank you so much guys you are making me a better person
<3 as always Squeak
PS I had a great time with you all today. You certainly brighten up my day.
Day Four: Friendship
I'm grateful I have amazing friends around me. I know at times I don't acknowledge them and there are times when it feels like there is no one around. But they are. Sometimes I feel like I'm so caught up in my own little world I don't see the people who stand beside me.
I once read this quote on a bathroom stall "Loneliness is when you are in a room full of people and feel connected to none of them" I have to admit i thought about this for a while. But I agreed. There are times when I have felt my most alone and I have had the most people around me. But I don't have to feel like that all the time.
Today showed me that spending the afternoon with people you like around you can make you feel like you are on top of the world. I think loneliness is a part of our lives. There will be points in our life when we do feel alone but what I'm learning now is to not let those moments take over your life and take away the good times you can have with other people. After all a dozen twenty-somethings running around with paint, play dough, and bubble mix surely can't be wrong.
I love that I have friends and I love my friends. I love that they appreciate me (most of the time) and they can say nice things. I have amazing friends. I sometimes get emotional when I think about all the times they have been there for me and all the wonderful things they do. A friend of mine, wrote me a beautiful note today explaining how I was such a supportive friend to all the activities my friends are involved in (We all have very busy lives). The words used to describe me were unbelievable. Its not that I don't agree with them, its more I never realised how much I meant to one person, well, a lot of people. This friend just happened to put it into words. I love you M you are a great friend to have around as well.
So we need the bad times to balance the good. But I think from now on I'm going to try and meet new people, tell my friends I appreciate the amazing job they do and stop getting caught up in my own world. Because in all honesty we are nothing without other people around us to share the highs and the lows.
I love that I have these great friends around me, because together I think we make a great team. Thank you so much guys you are making me a better person
<3 as always Squeak
PS I had a great time with you all today. You certainly brighten up my day.
Day Three: Creativity
I know this is a little late but I did think of this yesterday.
My love for day three
Day Three: Creativity
I like to think that I am a creative person and I like to do things a little differently too. After all I was up to midnight wrapping up a Pass the Parcel Gift.... I have to admit that I love wrapping presents. I look forward to Christmas and Birthdays because I get to think of new and creative ways of presenting gifts. Like burying some cufflinks in a large box stuffed full of shreaded paper. That was fun to watch being unwrapped. (And slightly messy).
I like being creative. Not only with wrapping presents but also in the kitchen. I really enjoy baking. Cakes, biscuits, muffins, cupcakes. Anything really. (Although I have to confess that I haven't mastered breads or pastry yet). I also am the first to admit that somethings come out better than others. But I guess that you learn from the experiences. You know next time to have the oven hotter, or to leave the cake in there longer, maybe cream the butter and sugar better or fold the mixture more gently. I know saying this will push the feminist movement back 30 years but I enjoy being in the kitchen.
So I guess this is a long way of saying this, but I love that I am a creative person
<3 S
My love for day three
Day Three: Creativity
I like to think that I am a creative person and I like to do things a little differently too. After all I was up to midnight wrapping up a Pass the Parcel Gift.... I have to admit that I love wrapping presents. I look forward to Christmas and Birthdays because I get to think of new and creative ways of presenting gifts. Like burying some cufflinks in a large box stuffed full of shreaded paper. That was fun to watch being unwrapped. (And slightly messy).
I like being creative. Not only with wrapping presents but also in the kitchen. I really enjoy baking. Cakes, biscuits, muffins, cupcakes. Anything really. (Although I have to confess that I haven't mastered breads or pastry yet). I also am the first to admit that somethings come out better than others. But I guess that you learn from the experiences. You know next time to have the oven hotter, or to leave the cake in there longer, maybe cream the butter and sugar better or fold the mixture more gently. I know saying this will push the feminist movement back 30 years but I enjoy being in the kitchen.
So I guess this is a long way of saying this, but I love that I am a creative person
<3 S
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day 2: Music
So again I'm still having trouble finding positive stuff to write about. I never realised how this was such a habit. I don't think any of us wake up and deliberately turn our behaviour into habits. Habits seem to be the kinda thing that sneak up on you when you aren't paying attention. You turn around and there they are looking back at you. wondering why you are so surprised to see them. Hmmmm I should probably stop personifying things. There, you just saw it too. I was caught in the act. Picking on myself, when the whole point of this is to get out that. *sigh*
Right Day Two: Music
I love music and always have. When I was little I used to listen to classical music. my parents brought me up to appriate this kind of music and I am very grateful. I think my favourite piece was Pachelbel's Canon in D. It still is one of my favourite pieces.
But don't get me wrong. I love more than just Classical music. It may surprise you to find out that I have the entire Iron Maiden discography. They're one of my favourite bands. I also really like Genesis both pre and post Phil Collins taking over. There is so much music that I love. I don't like to be pigeon holed into liking just one genre. I don't see myself as a classical geek or a bogan. I'm just me
Music has always played a big part in my life and I hope it always will. I can always find a piece of music to suit my mood. And I'm open to new suggestions. I love that I can find enjoyment from music. I can see the freedom that it gives people. It can give you hope on your darkest day, joy when you are happy, peace when you are angry and comfort when you are lonely.
I love music and I love that I can enjoy it.
<3 S
Right Day Two: Music
I love music and always have. When I was little I used to listen to classical music. my parents brought me up to appriate this kind of music and I am very grateful. I think my favourite piece was Pachelbel's Canon in D. It still is one of my favourite pieces.
But don't get me wrong. I love more than just Classical music. It may surprise you to find out that I have the entire Iron Maiden discography. They're one of my favourite bands. I also really like Genesis both pre and post Phil Collins taking over. There is so much music that I love. I don't like to be pigeon holed into liking just one genre. I don't see myself as a classical geek or a bogan. I'm just me
Music has always played a big part in my life and I hope it always will. I can always find a piece of music to suit my mood. And I'm open to new suggestions. I love that I can find enjoyment from music. I can see the freedom that it gives people. It can give you hope on your darkest day, joy when you are happy, peace when you are angry and comfort when you are lonely.
I love music and I love that I can enjoy it.
<3 S
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Day One: Life
24 hours ago I was writing the introduction post. I told myself that keeping this blog would be a challenge, but it would make me a better person. There would of course be times where I would have trouble finding something positive to write about but over time it would become easier and I would learn more about myself. I just never expected to draw a blank on the first day.
I considered this project for a few days before committing myself to it. At the time there were ideas swimming around. Although I didn't have 40 topics to write about straight away, I did have some. Naturally when I need them they are not there. After what felt like hours of searching I found something.
Day 1: I love that I am alive
I know it seems like such an obvious one to start off with, but if I wasn't alive then I wouldn't be able to write this blog, study at university or spend time with various friends, family and poisonous reptiles. Given the way things have been turned upside down in the last month I am very grateful that I am still alive.
Imagine having the earth take away everything. Your home, your work place, loved ones, normality, everything. While I wasn't it Christchurch, New Zealand when the earth moved on Feb 22 2011, it was hard to avoid. It was all the news networks for days. New Zealand is such a small place it was difficult to find someone who wasn't affected by the earthquake in someway. Either with loved ones living down there or old homes torn apart by the force of the earth.
I can't imagine what an earthquake that size would be like. What it would feel like to lose everything or to even lose something. It wouldn't be like losing a pen or some coin from your pocket. I guess even though it doesn't feel like it, I am lucky to be where I am. I am safe, and I have people around me that love me.
Even though right now I don't have an attachment figure, and things may seem lonely and hard. I take for granted how precious life is. Not only to me but to those around me. I know being a Squeak can feel isolating, and there is no one there, but thinking back to the events of last week, I would be missed by so many people.
I love that I am alive and there is so much that I can experience.
I considered this project for a few days before committing myself to it. At the time there were ideas swimming around. Although I didn't have 40 topics to write about straight away, I did have some. Naturally when I need them they are not there. After what felt like hours of searching I found something.
Day 1: I love that I am alive
I know it seems like such an obvious one to start off with, but if I wasn't alive then I wouldn't be able to write this blog, study at university or spend time with various friends, family and poisonous reptiles. Given the way things have been turned upside down in the last month I am very grateful that I am still alive.
Imagine having the earth take away everything. Your home, your work place, loved ones, normality, everything. While I wasn't it Christchurch, New Zealand when the earth moved on Feb 22 2011, it was hard to avoid. It was all the news networks for days. New Zealand is such a small place it was difficult to find someone who wasn't affected by the earthquake in someway. Either with loved ones living down there or old homes torn apart by the force of the earth.
I can't imagine what an earthquake that size would be like. What it would feel like to lose everything or to even lose something. It wouldn't be like losing a pen or some coin from your pocket. I guess even though it doesn't feel like it, I am lucky to be where I am. I am safe, and I have people around me that love me.
Even though right now I don't have an attachment figure, and things may seem lonely and hard. I take for granted how precious life is. Not only to me but to those around me. I know being a Squeak can feel isolating, and there is no one there, but thinking back to the events of last week, I would be missed by so many people.
I love that I am alive and there is so much that I can experience.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The 40 Days of Love Project: Introduction
There are times when we feel that the only way to get ahead in the world is to take others down. We become experts at picking faults and weaknesses. We then turn these skills to ourselves. Often I hear people complain about themselves. "I didn't get this grade in an exam", "I'm so fat", "I hate my body", "Nobody is friends with me because I'm no fun". It is rare to hear someone say something positive about themselves. It is as though the world has made it easier to focus on the bad and ignore the good. Sometimes when we do see the good that has always been there, it is too late. The friends that have always stood by you have gone. Your lecturer, sick of hearing you complain about his marking won't reply to the email when you have a question about your assignment.
I have a confession to make, I am one of those people. I hardly ever have something nice to say about myself. I find the smallest imperfection and pick away at it until it becomes so painful and infected that it will never go away without a scar. My friends say lovely things about me. At points in time I have been the most important person in someones life. Even then, when I get given a compliment I tent to just brush it off. I never listen to it carefully and let it make me feel good. I tell myself that they don't know the real me and if they did they wouldn't say things like that.
Over the last few days a unexpected chain of events has made me look at things more carefully. Why is it that I can pick on myself so easily but I can never say something nice? Why can't I find something that I love about myself? Maybe it's time to look at it a new way. If my friends, family and even from time to time a Significant Other can all see the good things in my life. Why can't I? Does the way we view ourselves have an effect on how we look at the world.
So this is my challenge, for the 40 days of Lent 2011, every day I have to find something new and different about myself that I like. Its time to shake off the past and start trying to see what others can see... I know it won't be easy but if things in life were easy would we still do them?
<3 S
I have a confession to make, I am one of those people. I hardly ever have something nice to say about myself. I find the smallest imperfection and pick away at it until it becomes so painful and infected that it will never go away without a scar. My friends say lovely things about me. At points in time I have been the most important person in someones life. Even then, when I get given a compliment I tent to just brush it off. I never listen to it carefully and let it make me feel good. I tell myself that they don't know the real me and if they did they wouldn't say things like that.
Over the last few days a unexpected chain of events has made me look at things more carefully. Why is it that I can pick on myself so easily but I can never say something nice? Why can't I find something that I love about myself? Maybe it's time to look at it a new way. If my friends, family and even from time to time a Significant Other can all see the good things in my life. Why can't I? Does the way we view ourselves have an effect on how we look at the world.
So this is my challenge, for the 40 days of Lent 2011, every day I have to find something new and different about myself that I like. Its time to shake off the past and start trying to see what others can see... I know it won't be easy but if things in life were easy would we still do them?
<3 S
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