Day Sixteen: Fear

Have you ever been alone at night
Thought you heard footsteps behind
And turned around and no-one's there ?
And as you quicken up your pace
You find it hard to look again
Because you're sure there's someone there 

When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark.


 
We all have something that makes us afraid.  Heights, spiders, blackboards, rats, needles, creepy crawlies, even a fear of long words.
Sometimes fear is a good thing because it keeps us safe.  Sometimes our fear gets in the way of something we really need to do.
The key to fear is knowing when it is good and when it is bad and sometimes those two aren't very clear cut.  Sometimes we might think that our fear is keeping us safe when in reality it is putting us in more danger. And there are times when the opposite can be true.  The point is we don't know which one is which most of the time. We don't carry around a crystal ball for gazing into.  Instead we weight up the risks associated with an activity and decide whether it is worth the consequences or not.  Sometimes we do it anyway. 

Fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's always near
Fear of the dark,
I have a phobia that someone's always there
 
I have a fear of the dark.  Yes, I know this fear is something that toddlers complain about not twenty somethings.  But I don't like it when my room is completely black,  But I can't sleep if there is any light in there. It drives me nuts at night if I haven't turned my laptop off properly and one of the LEDs is blinking at me.  Any noise, any bump or groan and I assume that there is something out there after me.  Which is amusing if you are someone else and you want to have some fun.  Put me in a dark room and rattle around and I won't sleep for weeks.  I guess we can blame the Doctor for that.  Well actually he doesn't frighten me.  (I have a poster up of him on my wall, he's harmless really).  I am frightened of the Vashta Nerada.  And I don't care that they were a monster that appeared in only two episodes.  Those two episodes were enough.  The dark is one monster you can't see.  Why is every culture frightened of the dark? 

I have another fear.  I'm frightened of preforming in front of people.  Auditions, speeches anything really.  The normally brave and bouncy Squeak that everyone knows and has grown to love transforms into a shy Squeak.  A Squeak that is so frightened that any exit will do.  I never used to be like that. In fact as a child I used to love performing in front of other people.  Stage fright never hit me, no butterflies in my stomach, I wanted a stage and I wanted to be on it.  So why is it now that I'm a twenty something who will run out of the room if asked to audition for a choir?  Its not that I wouldn't want to be in a choir.  In fact watching my friends perform makes me realise how much I miss being up there in front of an audience.  You would think that would give me the strength to do it.  But I can't, in fact it makes it harder. 

I was being teased the other night about this fear.  Being the only non choir member at a social event can be hard.  I was easy when you were going out with a choir member and you could simply reply "I'm with them" but now I don't have that luxury.  I'm flying solo again.  Anyway I know what I would have to do if I wanted to audition for said choir, but when I heard the current members talk about their auditions I felt much worse.  I knew I wouldn't have to stand in front of the whole choir or even anyone else in the room but the DOM.  Instead I just felt sick.  I could feel the panic fill my body and I was shaking.  I felt like the whole thing would be easier if there was no body there.  No one would see me fail.  I couldn't disappoint anyone that way.

So instead of taking the opportunity that I really wanted, I run off.  Just like that no second glace, no thinking about it over night.  Too scared to put myself forward.  I'm left wondering if fear is something that we have to protect ourselves, what benefit does this fear have for me?  It is just making it harder as time goes by to put myself in front of an audience again.  I'm not sure I'm ready to be forever in backstage roles.  Everyone remembers to acknowledge the cast, stars and the director, but who remembers the props crew or the stage manager?  Maybe I need to learn what my subconscious feels it needs to protect myself from. 


Fear is something that I don't feel I understand

<3 S
With help from Iron Maiden, Fear of the Dark