Day Seven: Human

Day Seven Eight, Nine and probably Ten

I feel that I have left this for a considerable amount of time and if I don't get back to writing in this then it will die a slow and painful death of neglect and starvation.

So what has been happening in my life that has made me neglect the one thing I set out to do religiously this Lent? To be honest not a lot. Clearly my New Year's Resolution to become more organised is falling behind. I wasn't doing too badly until uni started....

Anyway, I've been having trouble with coming up with things to say. My mother and probably all my teachers used to tell us if we didn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I guess that is where I have fallen. It is hard thinking of something new and creative to say about yourself each night. Some of you might think that it is easy but I challenge you to do it for yourself.

I am only human. This is not something I love about myself. To be honest this is something I strongly dislike about myself. Hate is probably for once to strong a word. I mean I'm kinda grateful I'm human as opposed to a martian from Mars or a whale. Esp the whale that falls from the sky in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I almost view being human as a weakness. I want to be perfect so badly it clouds over everything I do. While I can bake pretty well and apparently my cupcakes are something to be treasured and scoffed down really quickly. I can't look over my own baking without finding something wrong with it. "I didn't beat the butter and sugar well enough", "The oven wasn't hot enough and the cake sunk", "My icing is messy"... These things which others would see as giving the baking character, proving that it is homemade, to me are terrible. I very rarely am satisfied with my efforts in the kitchen....

It is not just in the kitchen where I am at war with myself. Grades throughout my education career have always been a battle. If my parents didn't give me high expectations, I would. Every missed percentage would give me something to get upset about. I wanted the perfect grades. I felt that if I had that perfect 100% I would be happy and I would like myself better. It never happened. I know because I have had 100% in assignments. Instead of being angry that I missed out on valuable marks, I feel that the marker wasn't being tough enough, and I mark myself down.

This constant battling with myself does take its toll. I have my good days and my bad days, like everyone. My good days are really good and my bad days, well sometimes rock bottom just isn't deep enough. I either find a digger or some explosives and push myself further and further down the hole until I reach red hot magma. There are days when all I feel capable of doing is barricading myself in the toilet or my bedroom and crying my eyes out. There have been whole days where I have done just that. It may be futile, it rarely makes me feel better, but it is all I feel like I can do. You feel so helpless.

It may seem strange that in a blog about love and finding the love in yourself I am writing about how much I dislike myself and how much I beat myself up about the smallest things. But I wanted people to see that I am human. As much as I hate to admit this, these bad days are part of who I am. i may come across as a bubbly, bright person. But sometimes those people have the most hurt. Sometimes all those people are wanting is for someone to reach out to them. To see someone else's human side. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a world of emotionless robots.

Robots with no passion, love or desire. Robots that are so caught up in their own world, their own day to day lives they don't see the others on the same path struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe is all time that we show our human side. Instead of hiding it away behind a bathroom stall, wiping the mascara and eyeliner that has run down our face and putting on a brave face before entering the wide world again, we need to show the world that all is not well. That smile we do so well is hiding something much deeper. Something that will continue to grow and eat you up.

I struggle somedays to do that. It is easy to put a brave face, fake a smile and nod when they aski if everything is ok. Why? Because after answering "How is you day?" or "How are you?" if you answer fine or good. They leave you alone. No difficult questions you are free to carry on with your own existence. Your connection with another person is over as quickly as it began. once again you are alone. You may like it that way.

It is almost as though society is encouraging people to become like this. Community is dying. Maybe is is all our own wrong doing. But if everyone was there for one another would the world be a nicer place to be? If we were feeling useless and unloved, feeling as those being eliminated from the gene pool by a bolt of lightening would be a good end, how would that change if someone was there? If they wanted to know why? If they could help you see what is good in your life rather than sitting warm in their own fuzzy world. Would their problems also shrink?

I guess this has turned into a philosophy lecture. Not intentional.

My name is Squeak and I am human. I have good days but I also have bad days. I don't like bad days.