We have somewhere to live, so where to lie down at night, even if that place is not the most glamorous. Not all places are made the same. It may not have a walk in wardrobe, spa pool, wireless Internet or tennis court, but I guess you could say its somewhere. However not everyone has somewhere where they feel like they belong. In some cases where someone lives and where they feel like they belong may be two completely different places.
We are all different. We want different things in life and our needs reflect that. But one thing we all have in common is we need somewhere were we belong. If we were put on this earth for a purpose rather than some random coincidence, then surely this place of belonging would reflect that? If we were here to change the world surely were would feel most at home in front of influential people. Or influencing people yourself. I guess it is unique from person to person.
I don't have a set place where I belong. I don't walk into Church and feel at home straight away, I rarely feel that way at university. Instead I often ask myself what am I doing there. University is very much a dog eat dog world. Glossy guidebooks would have you think that there is wonderful sense of community around the campus. However in reality everyone is living in their own little bubble. Worried out tests, grades, flatmates money and food. People are at university but they aren't really engaging with it. Maybe it is just me but I think it is hard to feel like you belong at university.
I feel more comfortable around people, but this can be quite fluid. I don't mind where we are I just like to be around people. It is the people around me that make me feel like there is a reason for me walking upon this earth and that I wasn't put here because of some mistake that my parents made twenty something years ago. They are the thing that anchor me. My preference for who I want to be around depends on what is going on right now, my mood and who is available. I guess you could say I'm a bit like Doctor Who, I'm a wanderer. Sometimes the person who I want to be with the most is so stuck up with their own bubble they can't the person standing beside them reaching out... I guess that is a lot of how society is today. other times I want to be as far away from somebody as I can get. For me place isn't important,but the people, the people are what make me feel like I belong.
There was a theory of attachment brought forward by John Bowlby in the late 1950's. He stated that there were three different responses to the situation where an a child's attachment figure would leave the room. The research started out with young children and their mothers leaving the room but then later was used to explain adult relationships. The three responses where a secure response, avoidance response, and ambivalent. People who have a secure response have a secure relationship with their attachment figure. If asked the question "In a situation would your attachment figure be there for you?" they would answer yes and be happy. They know where they stand with their attachment figure because they are always there. Avoidance response people are different again. They are avoidant of having an attachment figure in the first place and are often very independent. If asked the same question as above they would probably answer no. No because there is nobody in their life with that kind of relationship or no because they don't need an attachment figure. These people tend to avoid getting close to others. If a relationship between two people could be drawn with two lines, one for each person. Then a secure person's line would be vertical. Two people in a secure relationship could be represented with a pair of parallel lines. The line of an avoidant person could be a diagonal sloping away from the centre and the other person's line.
The last one, the ambivalent response is the one I can most relate to. This is the ambivalent response or the insecure person. While the other two types have definite answers to the question of their attachment figure, the ambivalent person hasn't. While the secure person can answer yes and the avoidant person can answer no, the insecure person would answer maybe. This is often because their attachment figure is inconsistent. Sometimes they are there and sometimes they are. In the past they may have stood by your side and helped you through the trouble, but then again they could have equally not been there leaving you to fend for yourself. Unlike the avoidant person it is hard to adapt to this kind of relationship because it is changes. They insecurities about themselves and the relationship. If this response was to be drawn as a line this would also be a diagonal, but this time slanting toward the middle. Looking for support. Two insecure people in a relationship would look like a capital A but without the brace. Very quickly it would grow unstable and topple over. It is hard being in the last category because you are never quite sure where you are or where the people around you are.
I feel that you can be independent while still having other people around you. After all I am not asking you to do my washing or my assignments. More often than no I want some company and a connection with the world around me. It is easy when the would is getting cold and dark to close in on yourself, to protect your heart. Your head tells you that getting close to people only leads to hurting so you are better off avoiding the issue all together. Really the opposite is a better solution. I find talking to more people gives me the place where I belong that I have spent my twenty something years searching for. To quote U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."
Maybe my luck will change in the future. I can't see into the future so I can't tell. Maybe there is someone out there who can give me a place to belong
<3 S
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