I'm not the strongest person out there. I can't lift weights in the gym or move an organ across the church. In fact I get tired just carrying the groceries up the stairs. I won't brag of my strength...
But there is more to strength than just the physical stuff. There is mental strength as well. The strength that carries you through a horrible task. The meaningless ones that seem to carry on forever. The strength that can keep you holding on even when the world is turning dark. But like physical strength, we all get tired. Too tired to carry on, too tired to move forward. it is not just through looking after ourselves that we can get tired. Helping others also makes us tired, although we never think about it at the time. Our focus at that point is helping the other person no matter what the cost. Or that is how I like to see it, (Maybe I am just young and naive)
Physical strength is easy to replenish, you can have a sleep or eat something, even just taking a break helps. But you can't do that easily to regain your mental strength. You can't just stop the world from turning, even for just a minute. The world doesn't work like that. It just keeps on turning and turning. I guess it is up to us to replenish our mental strength. The world isn't the most helpful.
Its hard to be strong for the world. It feels like that the world is keen to throw anything it can at you to bring you down. Cold weather, assignments, lecturers, "friends" who really aren't friends at all. It feels like as fast as you are building up yourself for the next day the world is getting ready to bring you back down. Its a vicious cycle.
If physical strength is something you can see then mental strength that stays hidden away in the dark and dusty corners of people's lives. Its the kind of place where you have some idea of what is in there but you are too scared too take a closer look. Perhaps you don't like the idea of spiders. If you cant see it then chances are you can't see other people's either. You can't see what toll it has on the person who spent all night talking their best friend out of taking their own life. You can't see how weak they feel the next morning. They may look tired from the lack of sleep but inside they are feeling much worse. But the thing is because we can't see it we don't take any notice. How often have we sat in a crowd of people and over looked the person beside us. Chances are we have no idea what is going on in their life. Just like they don't know about what is happening in ours.
Maybe this is why the world feels like it slows down for no one. The world seems like it its a cruel and heartless place because we are cruel and heartless. we don't seem interested in what is happening in other people's lives and refuse to let others in to help. I remember reading "A problem shared is a problem halved" when I was a little kid. I didn't understand it when I was little but I'm starting to realise now that maybe in order for us to survive we need to let other people into our lives. We need to share things. Humans are social creatures. We weren't designed to hide away in our own little technology bubble. We can talk and hold conversations with people.
I know it is easy for me to stand here and preach. In fact in all honesty I probably don't know half the people reading this. I suppose if I change one person for even a day then maybe I've done my good deed for my life. We need to talk to people. Not only about the good, but the bad as well. Not just what didn't go right today, but what is worrying you. what is keeping you awake at night. Sometimes things seem less frightening when they come out in the open. If the sharing becomes two way then things become even. You might even find that you have alot more in common with the person beside you than you thought.
We might not be able to build up our mental strength by going to the gym and drinking protein shakes, but maybe that is not how we are meant to do it in the first place. Perhaps the best way to build up our mental strength is to talk to other.
I might not be the strongest person in the room, but that's no reason for me not to try
<3 S
Friday, April 8, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day Seventeen: New
"It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of young hearts
It's a new day - it's a new plan
I've been waiting for you
Here I am...."
Sometimes we need something new in our lives. A new friend, a new hobby, a new love or even a fresh start. Life can get boring if nothing ever changes. We get stuck in the world that is familiar and never do anything to broaden our minds or our horizons. Sometimes we plan the change other times the change plans us. I think I would be one of the first to say that I don't go out looking for change. New things can be frightening. Especially if they come unexpectedly. I guess you could say I like things to stay the same. Maybe it is because I feel more secure that way. Its like in the morning, your alarm goes off, but you don't want to get out of your nice cosy bed. Its warm and the blankets have nestled around you why would you change anything? Why go into the cold world of the outside when you could just lie here for five more minutes. I guess the obvious answer to that is, if we never got out of bed nothing would ever get done...
"Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be
Here I am - it's just me and you
And tonight we make our dreams come true"
I've lived in the same city all my life, one the same street, in the same house, and in the same bedroom. I haven't experienced any major up rooting in my twenty something years on this earth. In fact some would say that my life has been pretty boring. But that doesn't mean that I haven't had to do new things. Starting university was a big change. But it was a change that I looked forward to. It was a new start. Something I had been looking forward to after 5 years at high school. It was fresh and bright and exciting...
I think it might be time for another new start. As my time as an undergraduate student is coming to an end, I am faced with another new start. What do I do next? Do I stay on and undertake post graduate study? If so do I stay here or do I move to another city and university? Do I go into the workforce? No one ever said decisions like this were easy. Nothing ever jumps straight out at you saying this is the one. Instead they all stand huddled together and through faith, good luck and some tough questions one will work its way forward. The doubt will always remain in the back of my head, have I chosen the right one...?
"Here we are - we've just begun
And after all this time - our time has come
here we are - still goin' strong
Right here in the place where we belong "
It is exciting having something new to plan. The idea grows and develops. It changes and evolves. It is a little frightening to think that at the end of this year my days as a lowly under grad will be over. It will be time for a fresh new start where ever it will be...
It won't be an easy decision I have some amazing friends around me. I'm sorry if it feels like over look you. You're always there, its like you never leave me. My whole world will change, but well maybe it is time to change me perspective
So here I am world....
<3 Squeak
With help from Bryan Adams
It's alive with the beating of young hearts
It's a new day - it's a new plan
I've been waiting for you
Here I am...."
Sometimes we need something new in our lives. A new friend, a new hobby, a new love or even a fresh start. Life can get boring if nothing ever changes. We get stuck in the world that is familiar and never do anything to broaden our minds or our horizons. Sometimes we plan the change other times the change plans us. I think I would be one of the first to say that I don't go out looking for change. New things can be frightening. Especially if they come unexpectedly. I guess you could say I like things to stay the same. Maybe it is because I feel more secure that way. Its like in the morning, your alarm goes off, but you don't want to get out of your nice cosy bed. Its warm and the blankets have nestled around you why would you change anything? Why go into the cold world of the outside when you could just lie here for five more minutes. I guess the obvious answer to that is, if we never got out of bed nothing would ever get done...
"Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be
Here I am - it's just me and you
And tonight we make our dreams come true"
I've lived in the same city all my life, one the same street, in the same house, and in the same bedroom. I haven't experienced any major up rooting in my twenty something years on this earth. In fact some would say that my life has been pretty boring. But that doesn't mean that I haven't had to do new things. Starting university was a big change. But it was a change that I looked forward to. It was a new start. Something I had been looking forward to after 5 years at high school. It was fresh and bright and exciting...
I think it might be time for another new start. As my time as an undergraduate student is coming to an end, I am faced with another new start. What do I do next? Do I stay on and undertake post graduate study? If so do I stay here or do I move to another city and university? Do I go into the workforce? No one ever said decisions like this were easy. Nothing ever jumps straight out at you saying this is the one. Instead they all stand huddled together and through faith, good luck and some tough questions one will work its way forward. The doubt will always remain in the back of my head, have I chosen the right one...?
"Here we are - we've just begun
And after all this time - our time has come
here we are - still goin' strong
Right here in the place where we belong "
It is exciting having something new to plan. The idea grows and develops. It changes and evolves. It is a little frightening to think that at the end of this year my days as a lowly under grad will be over. It will be time for a fresh new start where ever it will be...
It won't be an easy decision I have some amazing friends around me. I'm sorry if it feels like over look you. You're always there, its like you never leave me. My whole world will change, but well maybe it is time to change me perspective
So here I am world....
<3 Squeak
With help from Bryan Adams
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Day Sixteen: Fear
Have you ever been alone at night
Thought you heard footsteps behind
And turned around and no-one's there ?
And as you quicken up your pace
You find it hard to look again
Because you're sure there's someone there
When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark.
We all have something that makes us afraid. Heights, spiders, blackboards, rats, needles, creepy crawlies, even a fear of long words.
Sometimes fear is a good thing because it keeps us safe. Sometimes our fear gets in the way of something we really need to do.
The key to fear is knowing when it is good and when it is bad and sometimes those two aren't very clear cut. Sometimes we might think that our fear is keeping us safe when in reality it is putting us in more danger. And there are times when the opposite can be true. The point is we don't know which one is which most of the time. We don't carry around a crystal ball for gazing into. Instead we weight up the risks associated with an activity and decide whether it is worth the consequences or not. Sometimes we do it anyway.
Fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's always near
Fear of the dark,
I have a phobia that someone's always there
I have a fear of the dark. Yes, I know this fear is something that toddlers complain about not twenty somethings. But I don't like it when my room is completely black, But I can't sleep if there is any light in there. It drives me nuts at night if I haven't turned my laptop off properly and one of the LEDs is blinking at me. Any noise, any bump or groan and I assume that there is something out there after me. Which is amusing if you are someone else and you want to have some fun. Put me in a dark room and rattle around and I won't sleep for weeks. I guess we can blame the Doctor for that. Well actually he doesn't frighten me. (I have a poster up of him on my wall, he's harmless really). I am frightened of the Vashta Nerada. And I don't care that they were a monster that appeared in only two episodes. Those two episodes were enough. The dark is one monster you can't see. Why is every culture frightened of the dark?
I have another fear. I'm frightened of preforming in front of people. Auditions, speeches anything really. The normally brave and bouncy Squeak that everyone knows and has grown to love transforms into a shy Squeak. A Squeak that is so frightened that any exit will do. I never used to be like that. In fact as a child I used to love performing in front of other people. Stage fright never hit me, no butterflies in my stomach, I wanted a stage and I wanted to be on it. So why is it now that I'm a twenty something who will run out of the room if asked to audition for a choir? Its not that I wouldn't want to be in a choir. In fact watching my friends perform makes me realise how much I miss being up there in front of an audience. You would think that would give me the strength to do it. But I can't, in fact it makes it harder.
I was being teased the other night about this fear. Being the only non choir member at a social event can be hard. I was easy when you were going out with a choir member and you could simply reply "I'm with them" but now I don't have that luxury. I'm flying solo again. Anyway I know what I would have to do if I wanted to audition for said choir, but when I heard the current members talk about their auditions I felt much worse. I knew I wouldn't have to stand in front of the whole choir or even anyone else in the room but the DOM. Instead I just felt sick. I could feel the panic fill my body and I was shaking. I felt like the whole thing would be easier if there was no body there. No one would see me fail. I couldn't disappoint anyone that way.
So instead of taking the opportunity that I really wanted, I run off. Just like that no second glace, no thinking about it over night. Too scared to put myself forward. I'm left wondering if fear is something that we have to protect ourselves, what benefit does this fear have for me? It is just making it harder as time goes by to put myself in front of an audience again. I'm not sure I'm ready to be forever in backstage roles. Everyone remembers to acknowledge the cast, stars and the director, but who remembers the props crew or the stage manager? Maybe I need to learn what my subconscious feels it needs to protect myself from.
Fear is something that I don't feel I understand
<3 S
With help from Iron Maiden, Fear of the Dark
Thought you heard footsteps behind
And turned around and no-one's there ?
And as you quicken up your pace
You find it hard to look again
Because you're sure there's someone there
When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark.
We all have something that makes us afraid. Heights, spiders, blackboards, rats, needles, creepy crawlies, even a fear of long words.
Sometimes fear is a good thing because it keeps us safe. Sometimes our fear gets in the way of something we really need to do.
The key to fear is knowing when it is good and when it is bad and sometimes those two aren't very clear cut. Sometimes we might think that our fear is keeping us safe when in reality it is putting us in more danger. And there are times when the opposite can be true. The point is we don't know which one is which most of the time. We don't carry around a crystal ball for gazing into. Instead we weight up the risks associated with an activity and decide whether it is worth the consequences or not. Sometimes we do it anyway.
Fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's always near
Fear of the dark,
I have a phobia that someone's always there
I have a fear of the dark. Yes, I know this fear is something that toddlers complain about not twenty somethings. But I don't like it when my room is completely black, But I can't sleep if there is any light in there. It drives me nuts at night if I haven't turned my laptop off properly and one of the LEDs is blinking at me. Any noise, any bump or groan and I assume that there is something out there after me. Which is amusing if you are someone else and you want to have some fun. Put me in a dark room and rattle around and I won't sleep for weeks. I guess we can blame the Doctor for that. Well actually he doesn't frighten me. (I have a poster up of him on my wall, he's harmless really). I am frightened of the Vashta Nerada. And I don't care that they were a monster that appeared in only two episodes. Those two episodes were enough. The dark is one monster you can't see. Why is every culture frightened of the dark?
I have another fear. I'm frightened of preforming in front of people. Auditions, speeches anything really. The normally brave and bouncy Squeak that everyone knows and has grown to love transforms into a shy Squeak. A Squeak that is so frightened that any exit will do. I never used to be like that. In fact as a child I used to love performing in front of other people. Stage fright never hit me, no butterflies in my stomach, I wanted a stage and I wanted to be on it. So why is it now that I'm a twenty something who will run out of the room if asked to audition for a choir? Its not that I wouldn't want to be in a choir. In fact watching my friends perform makes me realise how much I miss being up there in front of an audience. You would think that would give me the strength to do it. But I can't, in fact it makes it harder.
I was being teased the other night about this fear. Being the only non choir member at a social event can be hard. I was easy when you were going out with a choir member and you could simply reply "I'm with them" but now I don't have that luxury. I'm flying solo again. Anyway I know what I would have to do if I wanted to audition for said choir, but when I heard the current members talk about their auditions I felt much worse. I knew I wouldn't have to stand in front of the whole choir or even anyone else in the room but the DOM. Instead I just felt sick. I could feel the panic fill my body and I was shaking. I felt like the whole thing would be easier if there was no body there. No one would see me fail. I couldn't disappoint anyone that way.
So instead of taking the opportunity that I really wanted, I run off. Just like that no second glace, no thinking about it over night. Too scared to put myself forward. I'm left wondering if fear is something that we have to protect ourselves, what benefit does this fear have for me? It is just making it harder as time goes by to put myself in front of an audience again. I'm not sure I'm ready to be forever in backstage roles. Everyone remembers to acknowledge the cast, stars and the director, but who remembers the props crew or the stage manager? Maybe I need to learn what my subconscious feels it needs to protect myself from.
Fear is something that I don't feel I understand
<3 S
With help from Iron Maiden, Fear of the Dark
Friday, April 1, 2011
Day Fifteen: A Place to belong
We have somewhere to live, so where to lie down at night, even if that place is not the most glamorous. Not all places are made the same. It may not have a walk in wardrobe, spa pool, wireless Internet or tennis court, but I guess you could say its somewhere. However not everyone has somewhere where they feel like they belong. In some cases where someone lives and where they feel like they belong may be two completely different places.
We are all different. We want different things in life and our needs reflect that. But one thing we all have in common is we need somewhere were we belong. If we were put on this earth for a purpose rather than some random coincidence, then surely this place of belonging would reflect that? If we were here to change the world surely were would feel most at home in front of influential people. Or influencing people yourself. I guess it is unique from person to person.
I don't have a set place where I belong. I don't walk into Church and feel at home straight away, I rarely feel that way at university. Instead I often ask myself what am I doing there. University is very much a dog eat dog world. Glossy guidebooks would have you think that there is wonderful sense of community around the campus. However in reality everyone is living in their own little bubble. Worried out tests, grades, flatmates money and food. People are at university but they aren't really engaging with it. Maybe it is just me but I think it is hard to feel like you belong at university.
I feel more comfortable around people, but this can be quite fluid. I don't mind where we are I just like to be around people. It is the people around me that make me feel like there is a reason for me walking upon this earth and that I wasn't put here because of some mistake that my parents made twenty something years ago. They are the thing that anchor me. My preference for who I want to be around depends on what is going on right now, my mood and who is available. I guess you could say I'm a bit like Doctor Who, I'm a wanderer. Sometimes the person who I want to be with the most is so stuck up with their own bubble they can't the person standing beside them reaching out... I guess that is a lot of how society is today. other times I want to be as far away from somebody as I can get. For me place isn't important,but the people, the people are what make me feel like I belong.
There was a theory of attachment brought forward by John Bowlby in the late 1950's. He stated that there were three different responses to the situation where an a child's attachment figure would leave the room. The research started out with young children and their mothers leaving the room but then later was used to explain adult relationships. The three responses where a secure response, avoidance response, and ambivalent. People who have a secure response have a secure relationship with their attachment figure. If asked the question "In a situation would your attachment figure be there for you?" they would answer yes and be happy. They know where they stand with their attachment figure because they are always there. Avoidance response people are different again. They are avoidant of having an attachment figure in the first place and are often very independent. If asked the same question as above they would probably answer no. No because there is nobody in their life with that kind of relationship or no because they don't need an attachment figure. These people tend to avoid getting close to others. If a relationship between two people could be drawn with two lines, one for each person. Then a secure person's line would be vertical. Two people in a secure relationship could be represented with a pair of parallel lines. The line of an avoidant person could be a diagonal sloping away from the centre and the other person's line.
The last one, the ambivalent response is the one I can most relate to. This is the ambivalent response or the insecure person. While the other two types have definite answers to the question of their attachment figure, the ambivalent person hasn't. While the secure person can answer yes and the avoidant person can answer no, the insecure person would answer maybe. This is often because their attachment figure is inconsistent. Sometimes they are there and sometimes they are. In the past they may have stood by your side and helped you through the trouble, but then again they could have equally not been there leaving you to fend for yourself. Unlike the avoidant person it is hard to adapt to this kind of relationship because it is changes. They insecurities about themselves and the relationship. If this response was to be drawn as a line this would also be a diagonal, but this time slanting toward the middle. Looking for support. Two insecure people in a relationship would look like a capital A but without the brace. Very quickly it would grow unstable and topple over. It is hard being in the last category because you are never quite sure where you are or where the people around you are.
I feel that you can be independent while still having other people around you. After all I am not asking you to do my washing or my assignments. More often than no I want some company and a connection with the world around me. It is easy when the would is getting cold and dark to close in on yourself, to protect your heart. Your head tells you that getting close to people only leads to hurting so you are better off avoiding the issue all together. Really the opposite is a better solution. I find talking to more people gives me the place where I belong that I have spent my twenty something years searching for. To quote U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."
Maybe my luck will change in the future. I can't see into the future so I can't tell. Maybe there is someone out there who can give me a place to belong
<3 S
We are all different. We want different things in life and our needs reflect that. But one thing we all have in common is we need somewhere were we belong. If we were put on this earth for a purpose rather than some random coincidence, then surely this place of belonging would reflect that? If we were here to change the world surely were would feel most at home in front of influential people. Or influencing people yourself. I guess it is unique from person to person.
I don't have a set place where I belong. I don't walk into Church and feel at home straight away, I rarely feel that way at university. Instead I often ask myself what am I doing there. University is very much a dog eat dog world. Glossy guidebooks would have you think that there is wonderful sense of community around the campus. However in reality everyone is living in their own little bubble. Worried out tests, grades, flatmates money and food. People are at university but they aren't really engaging with it. Maybe it is just me but I think it is hard to feel like you belong at university.
I feel more comfortable around people, but this can be quite fluid. I don't mind where we are I just like to be around people. It is the people around me that make me feel like there is a reason for me walking upon this earth and that I wasn't put here because of some mistake that my parents made twenty something years ago. They are the thing that anchor me. My preference for who I want to be around depends on what is going on right now, my mood and who is available. I guess you could say I'm a bit like Doctor Who, I'm a wanderer. Sometimes the person who I want to be with the most is so stuck up with their own bubble they can't the person standing beside them reaching out... I guess that is a lot of how society is today. other times I want to be as far away from somebody as I can get. For me place isn't important,but the people, the people are what make me feel like I belong.
There was a theory of attachment brought forward by John Bowlby in the late 1950's. He stated that there were three different responses to the situation where an a child's attachment figure would leave the room. The research started out with young children and their mothers leaving the room but then later was used to explain adult relationships. The three responses where a secure response, avoidance response, and ambivalent. People who have a secure response have a secure relationship with their attachment figure. If asked the question "In a situation would your attachment figure be there for you?" they would answer yes and be happy. They know where they stand with their attachment figure because they are always there. Avoidance response people are different again. They are avoidant of having an attachment figure in the first place and are often very independent. If asked the same question as above they would probably answer no. No because there is nobody in their life with that kind of relationship or no because they don't need an attachment figure. These people tend to avoid getting close to others. If a relationship between two people could be drawn with two lines, one for each person. Then a secure person's line would be vertical. Two people in a secure relationship could be represented with a pair of parallel lines. The line of an avoidant person could be a diagonal sloping away from the centre and the other person's line.
The last one, the ambivalent response is the one I can most relate to. This is the ambivalent response or the insecure person. While the other two types have definite answers to the question of their attachment figure, the ambivalent person hasn't. While the secure person can answer yes and the avoidant person can answer no, the insecure person would answer maybe. This is often because their attachment figure is inconsistent. Sometimes they are there and sometimes they are. In the past they may have stood by your side and helped you through the trouble, but then again they could have equally not been there leaving you to fend for yourself. Unlike the avoidant person it is hard to adapt to this kind of relationship because it is changes. They insecurities about themselves and the relationship. If this response was to be drawn as a line this would also be a diagonal, but this time slanting toward the middle. Looking for support. Two insecure people in a relationship would look like a capital A but without the brace. Very quickly it would grow unstable and topple over. It is hard being in the last category because you are never quite sure where you are or where the people around you are.
I feel that you can be independent while still having other people around you. After all I am not asking you to do my washing or my assignments. More often than no I want some company and a connection with the world around me. It is easy when the would is getting cold and dark to close in on yourself, to protect your heart. Your head tells you that getting close to people only leads to hurting so you are better off avoiding the issue all together. Really the opposite is a better solution. I find talking to more people gives me the place where I belong that I have spent my twenty something years searching for. To quote U2 "I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."
Maybe my luck will change in the future. I can't see into the future so I can't tell. Maybe there is someone out there who can give me a place to belong
<3 S
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